Bloody Shorts
by Akilika Q
Summary: A series of mostly-unrelated drabbles and shorts.
1. Monowire

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.

* * *

Title: Monowire  
Summary: Walter's getting annoyed . . .  
Challenge: Questions That Should Never Have Been Asked  
Rating: G  
Word count: 82

* * *

This was getting ridiculous.  
  
The first time, Walter had merely been confused; he gave into Sir Integra's request without much question. The second time went much the same, though he was growing somewhat suspicious.  
  
By the fifth time, however, he was annoyed. They (for he was sure Alucard was involved somehow) weren't even asking first!  
  
It was annoying, but most of all it was confusing, and Walter could make neither heads nor tails of it.  
  
What use could they have for monowire? 


	2. Genealogical Impossibilities

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Genealogical Impossibilities  
Summary: Integra interviews a potential secretary.  
Challenge: Hellsing Members Who Didn't Make the Cut  
Rating: G  
Word count: 100  
  
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"Quincey Morris' great-granddaughter."  
  
Integra's voice was flat; you couldn't tell if she was amused or annoyed. Her mouth hid behind white gloves, folded on top of one another. Miss Emily Morris, prospective secretary, looked a bit nervous.  
  
"You do realize," Integra said, "that Quincey Morris died on the Dracula expedition, unmarried?"  
  
"Yeah, well, stranger things have happened," said Miss Morris nervously. "After all, didn't Abraham Van Helsing's only son die as a child?"  
  
For a second, nothing happened. Integra regarded the applicant coolly, eyes unreadable.  
  
Then, in a split-second of motion, she stood and pointed violently toward the door.  
  
"OUT!" 


	3. Jan's Worst Memory

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloodyshorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal. Check it out at   
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Jan's Worst Memory  
Summary: A brief description of Jan Valentine's first encounter with vampires.  
Challenge: 's Worst Memory  
Rating: PG-13 (implied sexual acts (underage, non-consentual), implied underage drinking, implied violence, one curseword.)  
Word count: 274  
  
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Jan's worst memory occurred when he was fourteen years old, in the form of a beautiful, seductive vampire.  
  
Of course, he hadn't realized it at the time; even if he knew about vampires, he was almost too drunk to see straight, much less notice small details like red eyes and pointed teeth. It took until she started bleeding him to realize that something was wrong.  
  
Of course, by then it was too late.  
  
She didn't kill him, though; such a waste that might have been. "I don't buy toys so that I can play for one night," she explained, grinning.  
  
So instead, she kept him at her house, a ramshackle construction far from anywhere. And she played.  
  
She liked pain, but only when it was his. And she liked sex, but twisted it into something repulsive. Above all, she liked blood--quite literally nearly all he had to give.  
  
"A pity you're so weak," she said one night, "or I could make you into a vampire and have my plaything forever."  
  
She had him for three days.  
  
He escaped at high noon, running like a man possessed over the countryside. Police found him an hour later, dressed in nothing but his piercings and a tangle of broken cords on his wrists.  
  
The incident didn't inspire any great hatred of vampires in him--in fact, what he felt was nearly envy. He was one of the toughest people he knew, and she still managed to put him away like nothing. Repeatedly.  
  
He wanted that.  
  
And amazingly, only a small part of it was so that he could rape the bitch and show her who was weak now. 


	4. A Walk in the Park

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloodyshorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal. Check it out at   
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: A Walk in the Park  
Summary: Beyond the grave, Luke Valentine and Alucard achieve some sort of cooperation.  
Challenge: Individual challenge; Luke/Alucard, a walk in the park at evening, incorporating the words "ice cream", "man-eating plants" and "Zamboni". I didn't make it romantic.  
Rating: PG  
Word count: 595  
  
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In all honesty, Luke would have preferred to stay at home. While the park was technically one of the best places that Hell had to offer . . . that wasn't exactly saying much. The somewhat better view was more than made up for by the vicious man-eating plants and the excrement pond, not to mention the increased visibility.  
  
But Alucard was getting sick of the four-by-five box they shared, and Luke hadn't really wanted to argue the point. Alucard was very stubborn for someone who'd lost all semblance of power.  
  
So there they were. For a while, nothing was said, though Alucard wore something of a constant smirk. It took a good deal of effort for Luke to keep from rolling his eyes.  
  
"So," Alucard finally said, "where's that mad Zamboni driver you told me about? I was looking forward to seeing it."  
  
"He only comes out on alternate Thursdays," explained Luke tiredly. "And no, you don't. It hurts to get run over."  
  
The smirk grew. "I'd think you'd enjoy that sort of thing."  
  
Luke scowled. "Alucard..."  
  
"Are you going to deny it? Why did you come to me if being ripped apart didn't excite you?"  
  
"Just shut up."  
  
For some unknown reason, he actually did. Luke shoved his glasses up his nose before stuffing his hand back into the pocket of his ice cream suit.  
  
He still wasn't sure why he'd taken Alucard in that night, to be honest. He couldn't imagine that it was pity--though Alucard had been in bad shape, it wasn't the kind of thing that usually affected him. Especially not enough to share his space, which he'd had to fight tooth and nail for.  
  
But the fact was that he had, against all better judgment, and had more-or-less fallen into cooperation with the vampire who'd killed him. Luke had never been so forgiving.  
  
Nor was he now, really. It wasn't forgiveness as much as none of it seemed to matter. Death, like earth, was something so distant that it didn't seem to have any bearing on the present.  
  
Besides, Luke just wasn't used to not having someone around to annoy him.  
  
It wasn't that Luke was trying to replace his brother. Especially not with Alucard. (Though he had to admit that dragging Alucard into his space heavily reminded him of when he'd done the same for Jan a couple of times, after a particularly eventful night.)  
  
Even so, it was... almost nice to have him, for the time being. A change, at least, for however long Alucard decided to stay. And changes in Hell were hard to come by.  
  
Though he had to wonder why the vampire was still there, three weeks after the full recovery. What exactly did Luke have to offer? Alucard couldn't have the same issues with being alone. It wasn't as if he could have ever been attached to anyone.  
  
After all, thought Luke, who else would put up with the man for more than five minutes? 


	5. Jan's State

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Jan's State  
Summary: Jan has his own problems in Hell. Companion to "A Walk in the Park".  
Challenge: None. One poster wanted to know what was happening with Jan during "A Walk in the Park".  
Rating: PG  
Word count: 136  
  
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Jan tells himself that he doesn't need Luke, or any other pussy that would bend over for Hell's demons without a fight. He calls his brother a sellout, and a coward.  
  
But each night, as he's trying to pull himself back together from his latest beatdown, he remembers his brother's care and muttered "why do you keep challenging them"s, and wishes he hadn't thrown the man away. Just for one moment, though, until he remembers why he hates him.  
  
Maybe someday he'll stop railing against the masters of Hell and start to make an afterlife for himself. Maybe he'll try to find his brother.  
  
Not now, though, with rage still held close, as well as something to prove. Not today.  
  
Alone, Jan Valentine gathers the broken pieces of himself together in preparation for his next battle. 


	6. Spheres of Experience

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Spheres of Experience  
Summary: Integra finds herself in a bit of a mess on Walter's day off.  
Challenge: 's Day Off  
Rating: G  
Word count: 155  
  
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If she'd known that the toilet was going to clog, Integra would never have let Walter take the day off. Even now, as the water inched higher, she itched to call him.  
  
Embarrassing as it was, she had never learned how to deal with such minor crises. It hadn't been necessary. Not only was such a task beneath her station, but she'd never clogged the toilet before.  
  
The water spilled over the edge; Integra knew that something had to be done. But who could she call?  
  
The soldiers were engaged in training exercises, and the police-girl was with them. She could get one of them, but by then the room would be half-flooded. And she wouldn't interrupt training for something so stupid.  
  
Which left . . .  
  
Alucard. Integra scowled, glaring at the offending toilet. I'm never going to hear the end of this one.  
  
But it had to be done. Resigned, she took a deep breath.  
  
"ALUCARD!" 


	7. Faith

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Faith  
Summary: Helena has a conversation with her master.  
Challenge: None.  
Rating: G  
Word count: 260  
  
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"They say that good acts and sacrement can't save you anymore--that only faith and God's love can bring you to heaven." Helena glanced over to her master. "What do you think?"  
  
The former monk stopped his scribing for a moment to gather his thoughts, but then continued, a slow, even background to his speaking. "Heresy, of course. Where did you hear this?"  
  
Helena shook her head. "I don't know his name. Some traveller."  
  
"Hm." The man put the book and pen aside, and turned to give his full attention to his offspring. "Helena, you know better than to trust every passing idiot. Why did you ask me this?"  
  
She didn't respond for a moment, looking down at her hands. "I wanted to know what this would mean for us. If it were true."  
  
"Helena . . ." The master's tone softened, and so did his face. "You know better. We do not have the graces of God. Whether or not the heretics are right, Heaven is closed to us."  
  
"But why?"  
  
"Because it is in our nature to kill and drink blood. Because we reject true immortality for this . . . undeath. It is an insult to God.  
  
"Why do you worry about it, though?" The master tilted his head, eyebrows knit. "We will live forever. Why do you care about the afterlife?"  
  
"I don't know," Helena admitted. "Just... sentimental, I suppose."  
  
"Hm." The master smiled and turned back to his work. "Don't worry. Nothing can harm us."  
  
The vampire child smiled, a little weakly. Despite her master's words, she wasn't at all sure. 


	8. Conquest

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Conquest  
Summary: So what does make Incognito happy?  
Challenge: What Makes Happy  
Rating: PG (one clinical term for a "naughty bit")  
Word count: 100  
  
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Fair fights and even challenges didn't do a thing for Incognito. To fight an opponent whose skills matched your own was practically inviting defeat, and Incognito didn't get to be his age by being stupid.  
  
What he relished, instead, was conquest and unquestioned victory. He loved to stack the deck against his opponents, to arrange everything into a brilliant catastrophe so that his opponent would be crushed from every possible direction; he loved to ruin his opponents so badly that death was a mere courtesy.  
  
It's truly amazing what you have to do to compensate when you have no penis. 


	9. Speechless

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic  
community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Speechless  
Summary: For the first time in his life, Andersong has nothing to say.  
Challenge: The Sight of Blood  
Rating: PG-13  
Word count: 85  
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For once in his life, Father Alexander Andersong was speechless. No biblical phrase came to his lips; no words of God's wisdom came to mind. The tragedy, for a moment, seemed to surpass what he knew.  
  
The smell of blood was suffocating, but the paladin didn't back away. He only  
stared at the walls, covered with the blood of their former inhabitants.  
  
"They didn't deserve this," whispered a woman at the doorway. "They were only children . . ."  
  
With a snarl, Andersong stormed out of the orphanage.  



	10. What She Found at the Movies

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: What She Found at the Movies  
Summary: Seras brought home a rabbit.  
Challenge: None  
Rating: G  
Word count: 218  
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"Sir?"  
  
"What is it, police girl?" Integra asked, not looking from her paperwork.  
  
"Um. I found this at the movies--it was abandoned . . ."  
  
Alarm bells went off in Integra's head; she snapped her head up to see her fears confirmed. Seras held a shoebox, and inside of that was a rabbit.  
  
Integra tried to remember what her father had told her when she'd tried to bring a stray cat home. "Seras," she said, "animals are dangerous and unpredictable things."  
  
"Actually, this one looks domesticated. There's even a note!" She took the note out, a bit of stained paper. ". . . I can't read it, though."  
  
"Whatever," said Integra, feeling a vein in her forehead start to pulse. "There's still the matter of disease. It could make all of us sick."  
  
"I was thinking that I could take him to the clinic," said Seras, glancing down at the rabbit.  
  
All right, this wasn't working. Integra glared. "I don't want an animal in this house," she said flatly. "Animals are easily manipulated, and I don't need to fend off an attack from the inside just so that you can have a pet.  
  
"Besides," she continued, looking back to her papers, "do you think you can protect it, if Alucard gets hungry?"  
  
Seras blanched. "I'll give it away tomorrow," she said, and left. 


	11. Matilda

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Matilda  
Summary: The bookstore keeper talks with Helena  
Challenge: none  
Rating: G  
Word count: 268  
  
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"I haven't seen you by in a while."  
  
Helena gave the bookstore owner a small smile. "I've been staying home lately. This weather . . . I haven't felt like coming out."  
  
A chuckle. "I can't blame you; I'd have stayed in if I could. Though with these books"--he indicated the small pile he was pricing--"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't come back for a few months."  
  
"You know me better than that." The girl's smile changed so that it could almost be a smirk. "Three weeks."  
  
"If it were anyone else, I'd call them a liar." The bookstore owner shook his head and handed the books back. "Have a good time of it."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Helena started to leave, and had almost reached the entrance when the bookstore owner said, "Wait! I forgot, I have something for you."  
  
Helena turned, and she looked suspicious. The bookstore owner smiled and took something out from beneath the counter. "No need to worry; it's just a book."  
  
Helena could see it clearly even before the bookstore owner came close; a small paperback book with a small blue ribbon wrapped around it. Matilda, it read, by Roald Dahl.  
  
"I thought you might like it," he explained.  
  
The vampire girl took it delicately in one hand, eyes a little wider than she'd generally allow them to go. A gift?  
  
"Thank you," she finally said, and put it in the bag with the other books. ". . . I'll tell you what I think when I come back."  
  
"I look forward to it," said the bookstore owner, and moved back to his desk. 


	12. A Battle of Monsters

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: A Battle of Monsters  
Summary: A digital monster isn't satisfied with Japan. A/U  
Challenge: The Crossover from Hell(sing)  
Rating: G  
Word count: 100  
  
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Alucard smirked, and on the other side of the "field", his opponent smiled back. It was an odd creature, and dressed garishly, but Alucard didn't care; he could sense it was a being of great power, and that was enough for him.  
  
"What's your plan? Take over the world?" Alucard mocked. "You might have taken Japan, but you'll find England far more difficult."  
  
"You think I would let a mere human, however altered, beat me? Please." The opponent smirked.  
  
"I'm far less human than you think," Alucard snarled, drawing his gun.  
  
"We'll see." Myotismon leaped into the air. "Crimson Lightning!" 


	13. Changes

Author's Note: I figured it was a bit of a waste to make separate stories for a bunch of shorts that weren't even as long as book-chapter, so I'm going to upload new shorts as chapters in this single fic.  
  
Most of these are also posted at bloody(underscore)shorts, the Hellsing drabble/short fic community on Livejournal.  
  
Individual ratings and summaries in each chapter.  
  
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Title: Changes  
Summary: There are some things even an Angel of Death has to deal with. 1944, "The Dawn".  
Challenge: When It Changed  
Rating: G  
Word count: 100  
  
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"Ve could use somevone like you," said the Major, seeming both unconcerned and inattentive. "If you vish to live, perhaps you vould like to join . . .?"  
  
"No!" Walter snarled. At least, that's what he meant to do.  
  
Instead, a high-pitched noise erupted from Walter's windpipe--strained, sickly, and entirely unthreatening.  
  
For a moment, nothing happened. But it wasn't long.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
The Major laughed. The dead soldiers laughed. Even the Captain seemed to laugh--though, of course, such things were impossible.  
  
Walter flushed with rage and humiliation. Of all of the times in the world, why did his voice have to change now? 


End file.
